you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
