I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize