He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize