Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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