Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
