return my video game
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
