Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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