p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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