Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
