I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
