my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
As shirtless as possible
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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