Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
