mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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