I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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