My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
