Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
