Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
