you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
