I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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