Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
