Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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