So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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