his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
