I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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