Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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