If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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