Define "chronic" masturbator.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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