Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
