Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I just threw up on my dentist
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Randomize
