I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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