She's JV to your varsity
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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