i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
