This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
