My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
