I wish I could teleport
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
