If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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