Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
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