I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
and she was petting her beer can
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
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