I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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