I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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