I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
