I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
