This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Drake has all the answers
Randomize
