well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
