No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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