$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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