im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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