It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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