Got a toothbrush?
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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