Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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