Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
